Saturday, January 30, 2010

The Ultrasound

So far pregnancy hasn’t really been my favorite thing I’ve ever done. I constantly have gas, indigestion abdominal cramps, migraines, breast pain, bloating, chronic mood swings, joint pain, severe fatigue, nausea and vomiting, as well as the new realization that I have the smallest bladder on the planet! I mean pretty much any ideas I had of enjoying this are out the window. And as everyone keeps reminding me, pregnancy is the easy part. Up until yesterday every time I heard that I would begin to get nervous. I mean if I can’t handle these symptoms, what kind of mother would I be? I have been going back and forth on this. I am so nervous to be a mom. Its also hard to feel warm and gushy feelings when your baby is constantly making you sick! This is where my mind was at until yesterday…

Yesterday I was feeling severe abdominal cramps and back pain. I tried everything I could to get them to go away, but nothing worked. So I finally called the doctor after-hours hotline, and they told me to go to the hospital. I tried to argue, but it was no use I knew I had to go. I hate going to the hospital ( I know, I know, no one likes going to the hospital). For me, while I’m there I start to feel guilty, like my ailment isn’t that bad compared to a gunshot wound, a woman in labor, a little kid with a fever, or even a broken arm. So basically I kept down playing my pain, Erik read through it, and within 20 min I was on my way to the hospital.

When we arrived the doctor immediately began testing. Quickly the doctor asked if we had ever had an ultrasound. Erik and I exchanged a quick glance, and trying to hide my excitement (I’m supposed to be in pain, remember?) I said no. And we were off to ultrasound! Once the gross cold goop was on my belly, I was immediately captured by the black and white screen on my right. There on the screen, was my little baby. For the first time I got to see the new light of my life. My heart started racing and I was holding my breath as the screen showed the baby’s tiny fingers, tummy, heart, tiny face and legs. I got to see the baby moving around and kicking me (even though I couldn’t feel it). It was by far one of the most exciting moments of my life. The ultrasound tech spoke. Breaking me out of my dreamland, she said, “do you want to know the gender?” For some reason I wasn’t expecting this. I mean we have an appointment for the official ultrasound in 3 weeks. That is when I was prepared to find out…In unison Erik and I both said “YES!!” And the tech moved her magic wand around on my stomach a little bit and said, “Congratulations you’re having a girl!.” A girl!! A girl!! Can you believe it?

And as the tears were streaming down my cheeks, I had a change of heart. I can do this. I can raise this little girl. In that moment, I knew I would do anything for her. I suddenly forgot about how sick I’ve been and just finally thought about our little girl. None of this is about me. Its about her. Its about getting to see her grow up, helping raising a good woman, watching her live out her dreams. Its about being blessed enough to be apart of the journey she’s going to go on. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I know that I will have my moments of doubt, sheer terror, and mistakes, but I’m ready. I’m ready for it all…

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully said, Vannae. I am so enjoying reading your blog and sharing in your "adventure." You are in our thoughts and prayers each and every day!! :-)